


I had to say it

by carterswriting



Series: Perfect Imperfections - Sam Winchester X Reader Collection [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Confessions, Dark Sam Winchester, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Fanfiction Reader Sam Winchester, Grief/Mourning, Hunters & Hunting, Imagines, Love Confessions, Oneshot, Relationship(s), Sad, Sam Winchester & Reader Friendship, Soulless Sam Winchester, imagine, sam is back from hell, sam winchester imagines, supernatural imagines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-08 00:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17375954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carterswriting/pseuds/carterswriting
Summary: Reader has just found out that Sam has been back from Hell for a whole year. She decided to have a talk with Sam, but she has no idea he is soulless.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wanted to start this off with some angst.
> 
> Reader is a hunter that had been hunting and knew the Winchesters for a while ever since Bobby introduced you to them. When Sam went to hell, (Y/N) had taken his death hard. But when Sam comes back, she is in disbelief.

For a whole year all you thought about was Sam, but only problem was that Sam was in Hell. You had checked in with Dean a few times, but he was with Lisa and not hunting anymore. You felt like it was your job to keep hunting in memory of Sam, knowing he would want whatever thing of the week to be dead as well as people to be safe. Every kill, you liked to think it was for Sam, even though you knew it probably wasn't healthy. You just needed something to get your mind off of Sam being gone, but without the feeling of  him being gone. More like you were working on a case for the boys that they couldn't get to because they are states away, which wasn't really wrong. Dean _was_ states away, and Hell- it was _pretty much_ the next state away. 

You had come back from checking in on Dean again, the two of you chatted every time for a couple of minutes. It was always was him telling you about how Ben was doing in school and anything new and exciting as him being a dad. You recalled him saying, _"I hadn't realized kids ask so many damn questions,"_ right after he had told you that Ben asked him, "Why are you buying beer, Dean? Do you know how much candy we could get with that money?" But after the small talk, he would ask if you were still living the life. "Yeah. I just have to since you guys aren't anymore. There's still work to do you know?" He of course, could understand but he'd rather spend the time with Lisa and Ben. Honestly, if you had his opportunity, to be out and only thing that matters is your lover, you'd take it too. But, the person you loved was far away, in Hell. Ever since Bobby had introduced you to the Winchesters, Sam was always your favorite of the two brothers.

He had worn a serious face while working and he seemed just really into getting the job done. At first, you though of him as kept in, much like the other hunters you came across. Once you guys were finished with a job and decided to take a trip to the bar, you saw the other side. The sweet, kind and dorky him as he started talking to you with a beer in his hand. Dean was off at the bar and it was just you two having a drink. He didn't drink much so you knew it was him and not the drinks talking. Anything after that night made you fall more in love with him as you got to see him and talk to him over time. But that ended when he went to the pit. Your heart missed him so much for weeks. You put on a 'everything is fine' mask after a week of seeing no one, not even Bobby and only let yourself cry when you were alone at night.

 Finally learning to live with him being gone, learned to cope by hunting, you went back to Bobby's house looking for cases after checking in on Dean. It was a day or two afterwards and there was a knock at the door. Bobby had wanted another round of beers so you were in the kitchen popping them open. You heard footsteps and talking, Bobby had visitors (besides you, and when the boys used to hunt). He never gets visitors unless its important. You exited the kitchen, seeing Lisa and Ben head upstairs. You set down the beers, seeing Dean talking to Bobby and show Lisa and Ben to the spare room upstairs. You made your way back downstairs, but saw Bobby, Dean and someone you thought you'd never see again.

Sam.

"Holy shit.." You were speechless, but Dean did not look happy. None of them said a word. Bobby just sighed, "Meeting time." Meetings with that combination half of the time end bad.

Bobby knew all along. He knew you took it hard the first weeks, even almost a month. You'd stop in once in a while after a couple hunts just to get a good nights sleep on Bobby's sofa. Bobby even caught you tearing up one night in his kitchen drinking a beer. You didn't understand why Bobby kept it from you all this time. You just sat down with, not a beer, but a glass of whiskey in your hand, drinking as Dean and Bobby talked out everything. It eventually lead Dean to say, what you were thinking, "You couldn't put me out of my misery?"

"You were out Dean. And (Y/N)- was finally getting over it," Bobby spoke back to Dean. You took that chance to walk out. You sat on the porch as you hoped they were peacefully handling things. After a minute, the door behind you opened, and you knew it wasn't Dean or Bobby. He sat next to you, sighing. You turned to the side, not wanting to see him even though you wanted to, but not in this situation. Bobby knew, and Sam didn't reach out to you or Dean. There was just the overall feeling of being crushed. "Unbelievable..." was all you managed to say to him. He sighed, not knowing what to say. "It took me months to get at back to normal as possible...and I thought you were gone for good. Kept you out of thought Sam." Lie. "Now you just pop up, hurray! But finding out after a year? Sam- I can't look at you. The whole freaking time..." He put his hand on your shoulder, you moved away from his touch and wiped your tears. There was no way you could be angry with him even if you tried because you were glad he was back. You wished day and night he would come back and here he was, but not when you wanted the most. You couldn't just let the fact that he kept that he was alive for a year from you and Dean.

"Please, look at me, (Y/N) I don't want you to be mad at me," he begged. You finally faced him, eyes puffy and wet. He gave a little smile at you and you just wanted to tell him how you felt the whole time. How you missed him, how you felt for him before he went to hell, every moment he made your heart flutter and do loop-de-loops. You chuckled, wiping your face again to make sure you were no longer crying. "I'm glad you're back Sam," you reached forward and hugged him. He held you for a while, before you pulled back. When you did, he seemed normal. There, no sense of relief, as if you had just told him you were going to going to bed or something small. But maybe it was nothing, you thought to yourself.  Dean came outside, letting Sam know that they needed to head out to get Djinn. 

 

The next chance you got to be alone with Sam, you would tell him. You didn't need him dying on you again without telling him how you felt. Sam was with his relatives or whatever and it was a while before he had came back to Bobby's. You had stayed at Bobby's just to be of service whenever needed to help Bobby with calls, and any other hunter that needed some backup. When Sam did arrive, it was late and Bobby was in the study reading. "Hey, Sam, can we step outside for a moment?", you asked. He said a little 'okay' and you put on a hoodie before stepping out with him. You didn't face him, your breath visible through the cold night air. "So, what's up?" Sam asked. 

"It's- It's a little hard for me to say what I'm about to say... When you were in Hell- I cried. I cried Sam- for weeks, and I hoped that it didn't actually happen and I hoped that you would come back. I was worried- more than Dean..." You started as you looked up at him. You shook your head, "There was no way you were going to come back soon, and it hurt me because I never got to tell you something that I always wanted to say to you, Sam." He took a step forward, waiting in silence for you to finish.

"I like you, Sam. Screw it- I love you. And don't you dare say, 'no you don't' because I've seen you at your worst. I wasn't proud of you when you were drinking demon blood- but I didn't hate you for it. I got what you were trying to do. I get the life- and everything that comes with it. "

You took a deep breath, looking up at him. There was no shock, no feeling in his eyes. You scoffed, as he said nothing still. "I knew you didn't feel the same. But I had to tell you. I felt empty when you were gone, knowing I never got to tell you that I loved you knowing I would never see you again. I don't want to go through it again, Sam." You had felt a lump in your throat, tearing up as he just said nothing, looking at you. You pushed him, but he didn't move. "Say something!" you yelled as you tried to pushed him again. You wanted him to say anything, it didn't matter what. "Say you don't feel the same, say that it makes things awkward now- say that you never want to see me again because I'm a pain in your ass. Say anything damn it!" You kicked the wall next to him, frustrated, not angry. You were so frustrated why everything had to be a mystery, why he didn't bother to talk to you for a whole year, why he won't say anything.  You two looked at each other for a moment. You waited, and waited, but eventually you laughed a little bit, wiping another tear and sniffling. "Okay- I get it. Goodnight Sam." You grabbed the keys in your pocket and started to take them out as you walked to your car. "I didn't bother to tell you because Bobby told me how hard you were taking it. And coming back right after, didn't seem like the right time to tell you since you thought I was gone for good. I can't really explain what I've been feeling since I've came back, but I've been focused on the job. And that's why I can't answer, because of that feeling," he stood on the porch.

You stopped in your tracks, looking down, shaking your head slightly, "Call me when you have any answer, Bobby has my number." And you drove off.


	2. Chapter 2

You weren't sure when you'd decide to pick up the phone. Sam had been calling you for a while,  but you were nervous to answer. You knew it was something or else he would not have kept on calling you. It was not back to back calls, maybe once every 20 minutes. The name, 'Sam' kept popping up on the cell, and vibrating against the motel's nightstand as you tried to do research. You hadn't talked to Bobby, Dean and, of course, Sam since that night. You told Bobby that you'd be busy with cases and to only call for an emergency or something urgent. But, it was Sam's cell, and after what you had told him, you weren't sure what the call was going to be about. After the 6th call, you decided to pick up. "Hello?" you answered.

When you had answered, you were greeted with his voice. "Hey, (Y/N)." It sounded like a different Sam than the one you had last talked to. It sounded sweeter, lighter. Sighing, you replied, "Sam. You've finally called." There was a little bit of a pause on his end, then this time it was Castiel's voice. "(Y/N), We have been calling you, by the many missed calls you have, you can tell it is urgent." Ah yes, Cass. "I know you have not talked to the Winchesters for quite some time now, and I need you to be as calm as possible. Sam- doesn't remember much right now and he has some questions." It had been a while, not keeping any contact and working cases just as you had when Sam was gone. "Alright Cass, you can put him back on now." Then, you had realized that he wouldn't remember what you had told him if Cass says he 'doesn't remember much right now'. "So, (Y/N), had I attacked you or anything? Cas had said you stayed at Bobby's while I was around town and mentioned we had a talk outside, then you left." _That damn angel,_ you thought. Bobby must have told Dean and Dean must have told Cass. Bobby was the only one awake that night you left, Cass wasn't around and Dean was snoring on the table next to Bobby. "Well," you started, "You didn't attack me or anything and that's all that matters. F.Y.I, I only saw you two times this last year. I wish I could help you more Sam." You could tell there was a disappointed breath, but you weren't exactly sure how or why Sam couldn't remember anything."But maybe I could go back to you boys and be of help," you suggested. "That'd be great." You talked to Cass again, him making sure you knew where they were located. But he had spoke in a whisper after the basics, "To get to the point, I need you to know that Sam had no soul when he came out of the pit. Dean made a deal with Death to get his soul back. So whatever you had said to him, during that time, he has no memory. We'll talk later." _Nice to see he has improved his people skills,_ you shook your head as he had hung up.

You had made sure to take and work on cases within a 2 hour drive to Bobby's place just in case of an actual emergency. You packed up your research, checked out of the motel and called in another hunter to work on the case you had been researching. When you had arrived, Sam had greeted you with a big hug, making you feel very small. You both stood on Bobby's porch again. That's why Sam had seemed different when you had last seen him. He was different, no soul, no emotions. You had missed the soft hazel orbs in his eyes and the genuine, sweet smile of his. He paused as he hugged you, making it a weird hugging position since he was so tall and had to slightly bend down to hug you. Slowly, he had released the hug and ran a hand through his hair as he took a step back. He didn't say anything for a moment, but you knew what he was thinking about. "This is going to sound weird, but I remember a piece of why you left." He looked back at you, and you just looked down to your hands and feet not knowing what part he remembers.

 

 

>   
>  **_You pushed him, but he didn't move. "Say something!" you yelled as you tried to push him again. You wanted him to say anything, it didn't matter what. "Say you don't feel the same, say that it makes things awkward now- say that you never want to see me again because I'm a pain in your ass. Say anything damn it!"_ **

Sam had remembered only the part when you begged him for an answer. "You wanted an answer and I couldn't give it to you at the time," from what he understood, he wasn't sure what was going on in that memory. You nodded to him, letting him continue to speak. "Now, I wanna fix what I've messed up during this last year. So, For whatever reason, I'm sorry for making you upset." He paused, and his eyes were gentle. You missed his kindness, how gentle he could be.  "How about a beer as a start?" he had opened the door and welcomed you in. "A beer sounds good. Thanks, Sammy." you had walked in, setting your bag on the hanger by the door.

"So where's your angel friend?" you asked as you took off your jacket and hanging it up as well. "Cass? He's with Dean right now, out. D oing whatever" he had his hands in his pocket, walking over and then sitting on the arm of the couch. You made your way over to the familiar library, never getting used to how many books and papers Bobby has on his desk. You trailed your hands over the old books and picking up the one on the top of this weeks book collection. You opened it, flipped through it quickly and set it down. Sam watched as you did so, waiting for you to say something. "And the old man? He's usually sitting here with three books open and taking notes." Sam had chuckled, "you know how he drops everything to go clean up Rufus's messes." You had smiled to yourself, knowing damn well that's the only thing Bobby would drop anything for besides the Winchesters Sitting down at Bobby's desk, you decided to change the subject.

"You don't remember anything at all, huh?" He crossed his arms, and shook his head. "Everything kinda comes back in pieces, fragments sometimes. Is there something I should know?" You just gave him an obviously fake grin, and kicked your feet up on the desk, sighing. "It's not important. How 'bout that beer?" He had a thinking face, before saying "I'll be back," and getting up and into the kitchen. You wanted to tell him, he was looking for answers, but for once you didn't want to answer him. You'd do anything for him, but you were afraid. You could see him through the doorframe, bending down to reach the different kind of beers on the bottom shelf of the fridge. "How are you? Considering we haven't talked in a while" he asked as he got up and started popping the caps off of the two bottles. "The same as usual. Find a job, research, research, research, blah, blah, blah then repeat. But since you went to hell, I guess the word to use is emotionally tired." You looked in his direction as he walked back towards you. "Emotionally tired? I don't think you've ever used that phrase."

"I'm being serious Sam. I was sad that you were gone, sure, but then I was angry, and now I'm relieved. It may seem simple to you but damn I was a wreck then and I still am," you told him. He passed you a beer and sat against the corner of the desk. "Thanks," you mumbled as you put the bottle to your lips, then taking a sip. "Just- so much to do, so much to feel, and not enough sleep, you know?" Sam shrugged slightly, "I mean yeah, this is a hard life." He look a drink from his beer before moving aside a book to set it down on the desk. "I know you wanted out of it Sam. Until- we'll we both know what happened that got you back in the life " you mentioned. He nodded, "I just had to deal with it, once I realized there really was no way out of it. We both had to do what we needed, and here we are. Alive and well for the most part" . You took a long swig from the bottle in your hand, then raising it up to him, "to being alive for the most part ". Sam smiled a little, and raised his bottle, tapping it with yours, "cheers," and you both took a drink. 

  
You both had a couple more, and you were feeling that maybe you had one too many. You were giggling, just looking at the lore books in front of you, and laughing at the pictures. "That's not even close! I get that these are old books but a demon with horns and hooves?" you closed the book in front of you, almost dropping it. Sam blinked a few times and pointed to something in his book. "I know right? And the werewolves here, look like they need a major shaving," he showed you the book, and you wheezed as you saw the creature with lots of hair everwhere, knowing full well that most monsters actually look human. You checked your phone, it was barely 8pm. Bobby would be back soon, if not already, Dean should have been back but probably went to a bar early and you never know where Castiel is off to. "You know Sam, its great to have you back. Seriously. We should drink together more often."  He had a smile on his face, "You know I normally never drink this much. Ever." You pouted, "What a shame. Sam Winchester needs to take a break from being so serious all the time you know, "you smirked to him and made the most serious face you could. "Ha ha, very funny." he stuck out his tongue, taunting you.  You played with a pen as you were thinking, just randomly.

"Are you idjits drinking all the beer?" Bobby's voice made you and Sam both turn to look at him. You smiled and chuckled, "Don't worry Bobby. Cash is on the counter for another pack." He rolled his eyes, and set his keys next to you and Sam, "and of course you had a couple. If you are paying for another pack, " he commented. "Now git. I gotta finish this up and make a few calls and I don't need you two be laughing your asses off." You grabbed your last beer, got up and so did Sam. You stretched, and moved as Bobby instantly opened the books up again, and taking out a paper to write. S

Sam took a breath in the night air, and here you both were again. You stood next to him, looking up at the moon. Last time you were here, you cried, but now all you could do was smile. You looked up at Sam, and flashed him a smile, not knowing what to say, but all you wanted to show him in that moment was happiness, how he made you smile so that what you did. He smiled down, "What?" he wondered as he looked at you smiling. "I can't smile, Sam?" you playfully questioned. He looked back out into the darkness, "It's just that you're a really happy drunk." You yawned, and blinked a few times, "A tired, happy drunk," you commented.

 

 

>   
>  **  
> _You shook your head, "There was no way you were going to come back soon, and it hurt me because I never got to tell you something that I always wanted to say to you, Sam." He took a step forward, waiting in silence for you to finish."I like you, Sam. Screw it- I love you. And don't you dare say, 'no you don't' because I've seen you at your worst. I wasn't proud of you when you were drinking demon blood- but I didn't hate you for it. I got what you were trying to do. I get the life- and everything that comes with it. "_  
>  **

"Sam?" You called out to him as he seemed to be lost in thought. He looked at you, but all he said was, "I'm so sorry." You raised a brow, "What? Sorry for what?" He fully turned to you, "It came back to me. What you told me when I was soulless."  You rubbed the back of your head, "Oh. That..." you felt your heart drop with nervousness. "Look, then if you remember- you know that I can just go away if you're uncomfortable," you said, with an unsure face.

He laughed. He laughed? You were confused, "Why are you laughing- I don't think I said anything funny-" but he cut you off and took your hand. "I don't want you to go anywhere," he stepped closer, taking both of your hands now. You smiled again, and you were sure you were blushing. "This is just fine, " he made sure you were looking at him, both your eyes connecting, "Actually, it's like this," he lifed one hand spun you, then pulled you back in and placed a soft kiss on your lips.


End file.
